I need help, my first try at a poem...?

You're off to a good start for your first poem. I'd give you a 7.5. For a rhyming poem, you need to keep a steady rhythm. Try tapping your foot to the beat of your poem as you read it back to yourself, and you'll be able to see where you need to insert, or take out a word. Also, if you have someone read your poem to you, you'll be able to hear if it works for you.